Will This Matter In A Year?

I think about my future a lot.

To be honest, the future freaks me out.

I feel like I'm not in control, & quite frankly, I don't like that.

I'm not a control freak.

Just to get that out in the open.

I do however like to be in control of my situation.

I get frustrated easily. 

Not so much with others, but with myself.

I expect so much.

I'm overly critical and tend to put myself down more often than not.

I look at the choices I've made and I think to my self,

"Good Lord, you're an idiot", or "Why in the world would you say that?"

"Just shut your mouth Kellyn."

"What are you doing with your life?"

"Look at ______ they've accomplished all of this, what have you done?"

"Why are you letting someone else in who is undoubtedly going to screw you over?"

"Why do you constantly love people who are unavailable to reciprocate."

"Stop. Just Stop."

Sometimes I just need to take a step back, stop comparing myself to others

 & look at the bigger picture;

Which brings me to my topic:

I look at my life where it was in June of last year.

I had just decided to not join the Army.

I had no idea in which direction my life was going.

I had just lost my grandpa.

 My dad who is my best friend moved across the country 

& my boyfriend had broken up with me. 

All within a span of about a week.

Literally, I was a wreck.

Vulnerable, confused, heart broken and mourning.

I would not be the same person a year later if I had joined the Army.

Or lost my Gramps,

Or had my dad move,

Or had the same boyfriend.

I would not be the same person, so I am grateful for those events.

I have a tender heart.

I wear my heart on my sleeve & thats my downfall really.

It's rare that I let people see me cry.

If you ever have, I apologize.

Im probably more comfortable with you than you realize.

I tend to make Mistakes.

More often than not.

Some take me off of the path that I'm supposed to be on.

Detours are supposed to happen.

We are programmed to wander.

I've been shaped to explore.

Someday I'll have what I'm looking for.

Everything will be in it's right place at the right time.

I just need to continue to remind myself if the decisions I'm making will matter in a year.

Stop stressing the eff out.

Don't worry about your romantic endeavors.

Quit trying to control all aspects of your life, because you will fail.

Accept the things the universe gives us.

Look at the things you do have.

Trials are a tiny portion of your life.

If you feel that at any point that something is taking up too much of your time,

please ask yourself,

Will this matter in a year?

IF NOT, GET RID OF THE THINGS THAT NO LONGER BENEFIT YOU.

If they will matter in a year, hold on for dear life.

Don't willingly let go of the things that actually matter.

Cheers.

Be Kind To Yourself. Suicide Awareness.

September is Suicidal Awareness month.

I don't write this to scare or make anyone uncomfortable.

I share this because I want everyone to know that there is still life and happiness to be had.

I have found peace in my life and if I can do it, so can you.

I'm honest and open with myself, but I don't often share out of fear of judgment.

Please don't judge me based on what you read in the remainder of this blog.

I spend a lot of energy on controlling my emotions in attempts to appear "normal" and functional to the world. Haven't noticed any of my tendencies?

 That's because I've gotten really good at covering them up.

 This is not me being fake, its just avoiding questions I don't want to answer.

My life has been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster to say the least.

This is not a complete detail of my history but it's enough to get the point across.

The first time I had thought about killing myself was when I was 11.

At this point in my life, my mother had been brainwashed, my psycho child molester of a step-dad had stolen an RV and kidnapped my 2 little sisters and I. My dad had no idea where we were and searched every day for months up and down the coast from Malibu to San Diego. After months of searching he finally found us. During this process, I was looked in the eyes and told by my step-dad that if I was to scream or call my dad that he would kill me. I was the oldest still living with my mom and my other siblings had moved back with my dad. I didn't blame them for leaving. I know that they felt bad and probably still do to this day for having to leave us, but I wanted them to be safe. I was scared to death and I wanted some sort of relief, I figured he was going to kill me anyways. I had thought about it, but then I remembered that I had two other people to protect.

I couldn't leave them now.

Try being 11 and having that kind of responsibility on your shoulders.

As a result I don't sleep well alone because I'm afraid of what I'l wake up to in the dark.

 I have a hard time trusting people who say they love me.

I freak out when trapped in confined spaces when I'm not in control, and it also ruined the opportunity for a vacation in an RV.

 I have triggers to certain things, smells, places that I can't control.

My mood can change at the drop of a hat.

These feelings followed me around through middle & high school where I got some help.

In my freshman english class we were asked to write a paper on the most defining event in our life so far, I guess that essay raised a few red flags. My teacher had asked me to stay after class and that's when the shit hit the fan.

I hadn't really talked about it to anyone. 

As a Family we didn't talk about what happened, we were just happy everyone was safe.

I had everything bottled up.

Even my sister and I, who was there had never really talked about it up until recently.

We don't remember much, but the things we do remember have mostly remained unspoken.

A good portion of childhood is black, I don't remember much. 

I'm grateful for my mind protecting me from the trauma.

I had an obviously unsuccessful attempt my freshman year

& another my senior year.

I was harming myself at least 4 to 5 times a week if not every day.

Literally hoping to feel anything.

I was having a hard time confronting my past, questioning my sexual orientation and the guilt i felt for that, and the fear of the future in general. 

I didn't want to wake up the next day.

I took too many pills, passed out, and then woke up angry because I did't die.

I know now that I didn't die because I have a purpose here.

I felt like I couldn't communicate with my family about it.

My family is close for the most part but,  I distinctly remember watching tv and someone going on and on about how selfish suicide was. After that I knew I couldn't talk to them and at that point in my life it felt like my only option.

My mental health got really bad when I was married. 

I was secluded in Utah with a controlling husband.

I wasn't allowed to see my family in Utah and I felt alone.

The abuse started as soon as soon as we got there.

After a year and a half of emotional, mental, sexual & physical abuse, 

I remember crying &  calling my sister on my lunch break at work. I told her that I love her and I wanted to kill myself.

I had no other way to escape and I was afraid of what he would do to me.

It was snowing, I could make one wrong turn and no one would know it was on purpose.

Even after I got home, this continued to be my inner dialogue. I could drive my car off this ramp and everyone would think it was an accident. I'm still guilty from time to time.

A little over a year ago I went through the process of joining the US Army.

I was less than 24 hours away from signing but then I couldn't do it.

They ask you about your mental health. I was honest. They said do you want to be in the army? I said yes, then they said we'll you need to lie about this whole section.

I came to the realization that having someone with suicidal tendencies carry a gun probably wasn't the wisest idea. Not for my own life but other soldiers who depending on me.

Most days I like to think that I have a good handle on my mental health.

I try to have an optimistic outlook a majority of the time but I do have the tendency to go back into my dark and twisty place.

There are some days that I wake up and have no desire to get out of bed.

Absolutely zero.

AND THAT'S OK.

People who aren't currently living with these challenges don't understand that it's not something you can just control and stop.

They think that because you can't physically see it, it doesn't exist.

My life is constantly controlled by anxiety, depression and suicidal tendencies.

I'm flawed, and I have bad days.

AND THAT'S OK.

 I saw a production of Next to Normal that a dear friend of mine was in a few months ago.

I had heard the music but I didn't really know what to expect.

It was a musical portraying what its like to be living with Mental Illness.

It was a complete eye opener.

It was finally like someone understood and felt some of the same things I do on the daily. 

I'm not naive, I know that others also struggle like I do but it was beautiful to see it from someone else's mind and not my own.

To some extent, everyone struggles with something.

AND THAT'S OK.

It's ok to be sad.

It's ok to not be comfortable with the way you look.

It's ok to be afraid of things that are considered "irrational."

It's ok to have a bad day.

It's ok to recharge by yourself when you've been around people for too long.

It's ok to cry, or feel lonely.

It's ok to take time for yourself.

It's ok to say "no" to people and not feel like you have to justify your reasoning.

WHAT IS NOT OK IS BEING UNKIND TO YOURSELF.

You are not defined by your mental illness or physical disability.

You are not what others define you as.

You are strong enough, you are smart enough and you beautiful enough.

I know some days are harder than others but be patient with yourself.

You are doing the best you can.

Please don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

                             

                                        

     When you need a pick me up

      Positive Encouragements Here

                                                                 

 My life is beautiful.

You want to know how?

Because I made it that way.

I created this beauty.

Only you have the power to create happiness in your life.

I now appreciate the life that I have been given 

& I want to be able to help others see the potential that they may not see in themselves.

Everyone deserves a second chance at life & a chance at happiness.

Uplift others, be kind, & show love to your fellow man.

Cheers.

I'm Free.

I'll be the first one to admit it, I'm afraid of commitment.

(with the wrong person)

Since February 2, 2013 "I'm Free." has been one of my most important phrases.

These two simple words changed my outlook on life 

& more importantly myself.

I got that short sentence tattooed on my left ribs on the day my divorce was finalized.

That was the last thing my ex-husband ever said to me.

"Well you got what you wanted, you're free."

& just like that, I was.

I didn't have to answer to anyone. I don't think I should have to justify my reasoning to anyone. I was already in a controlling relationship & I refuse to be in another. 

I am no ones property. 

I make my own decisions.

& now ever since its been hard for me to remain in relationships.

Past relationships weren't meant to last forever, they were meant to shape me into the person I'm supposed to be until The One comes along. I don't throw the "boyfriend" title out there very often.  I've had 3 actual boyfriend since the divorce & they've bettered me during the short time periods that we were together. I appreciate them and those individuals are still in my life. Those boyfriends helped me through some of the toughest times in my life 

& I will be forever grateful.

It's the individuals who have the same dating habits as you who tend to 

tear you apart & destroy your planet.

 Theses are the ones who do the most damage.

 Who eventually want to be with you when the timing is right. 

It's even worse when you connect with them on a deeper level, & see things the every day human doesn't get to. The vulnerabilities that they're too ashamed to show because they will damage this persona that they so successfully pull off, but you know they're there. 

You know whats lying underneath. Why they react to certain things the way they do.

You've seen them cry, & genuinely wanted to understand.

You believe in them when no one else did, 

& know they won't make the same mistakes as their parents.

You know their demons and why they exist & you love them all the same.

You love them not for where they came from or their past, but the person they've become.

The one that they've created with credit going to no one else but themselves.

You love the man they've become, despite everything they've had working against them.

We always love the ones that we can't have.

& that right there is the reason why the chance gets ruined for others.

Sometimes I feel like Summer from (500) Days of Summer.

Everyone hates Summer, she "leads Tom on" & is a Bitch.

Is she really though?

She was upfront. 

We ruin relationships with ridiculous expectations.

Does there need to be a title when you're just dating? Absolutely not, I hate that.

Do I like you & enjoy my time with you? Of course. Do I want to do just that for a while? Yes. Do I want to be your girlfriend? Not particularly. 

Why? because you're not The One, & I can feel that.

Ending things is the worst part.

People change & their minds change. It can be gradual or all of a sudden, without explanation.

I can't promise you that I'm going to wake up in the morning and feel the same way.

Every other relationship does not work because they aren't your Soul mate.

SUMMER HAD IT RIGHT.

(Sooner or later you find them)

I believe in the one.

I know that may sound ridiculous but I truly believe that. I'm a romantic.

I know that there is the one person I want to be with, and once we are on the same timeline, everything will work. 

I just have to be patient & trust in the Universe.

Lets ponder this for a moment.

This is the kind of love I need.

The knowledge to know that someone doesn't expect me to change.

To know they love me as I am.

Its necessary to find someone like you, because at least you're somewhat prepared and understand if they do wake up one morning and decided that you're not the one that they wanted. I just hope that when my timing is right, I won't feel trapped anymore.

Just Happy.

I'm a complex human being. I've never claimed to be simple. My perceptions on relationships have always been obscure because I never had the example of a stable and healthy relationship.

 I don't blame my parents for getting a divorce.

It's just been quite the trial and error period through the last 10 years of dating.

I am capable of love

 & I know that one day I'll be able to fully share that with the person I'm meant to be with.

Thats when they'll truly understand what love is.

Christina Yang, how I love thee.

The Fountain of Wisdom that is known as Christina Yang.

Anyone who really knows me knows that I LOVE Grey's Anatomy.

Christina Yang is my spirit animal if thats even a real thing.

She's blunt, she's brilliant, she's beautiful.

She is Gold.

As silly as it may sound to idolize a fictional character, I do. I don't care, she spits out wisdom in her every day conversations that are beneficial to my life. She understands me.

JUDGE ME.

Exhibit A:

We CHOOSE to accept crap from others. After a while we start to think that being treated horribly is normal. Somehow overtime our reality is warped and we convince ourselves that we deserve what we get. That we are inferior and don't deserve good things to happen to us. We learn to accept it.

STOP THIS MADNESS!

Seriously.

You deserve more than to be walked all over and its within your power to stop that kind of behavior. Make that change. I don't care who has manipulated you in the past, and convinced toy that you deserve less. Thats BS and you don't need that kind of negativity in your life.

If it does not nourish the soul, get rid of it.

Exhibit B:

She knows she's a brilliant badass and she knows it.

She's an independent woman who prides herself for her brain, not her beauty.

We are so brainwashed by the media to believe that beauty is only skin deep, but Yang gets it.

It reminds me, "the beauty of my body is only half that of my brain." -John O'Callaghan

Exhibit C:

A woman of my own heart.

Being sassy when hungry is a real thing.

Exhibit D:

We both have a resting bitch face. 

Don't tell me to smile, seriously.

My sisters and I all have this "problem",  I kind of prefer it this way. 

It keeps people from talking to me.

I'm not anti-social or upset. Chances are I'm thinking about something else or I just don't like you :)

Exhibit E:

 She's a witty comedic genius.

Exhibit F:

She doesn't give an F, and I admire that.

One of the best realizations I've had is to stop caring what people think. 

Of course its natural to want to please others, I'm guilty, but your number one priority is to make yourself happy. Stop apologizing for the decisions you make, stop feeling like you have to justify your life choices to others. Stop letting people walk all over you. Stick it to the man.

Its ok to say no.

Exhibit G:

When you're having a horrible day, take her advice and DANCE.IT.OUT.

                                             
                                                 

    

 Because sometimes a 30 second dance party is needed.

When it comes down to it Christina Yang, is just a solid human being. She's Real. She's Rad.

She's Gets It.

If you haven't found your person, find them.

They're out there.

I found mine. I love mine, and I always will.

Cheers.

Back To School.

In the immortal words of Billy Madison,

KELLYN THE BRANDT IS GOING BACK TO SCHOOL

& with that includes the insane level of anxiety that comes with it.

I went to Golden West from 2010-2011 before I got married. I had always planned to go back to school after I got divorced but I had to work full time in order to support myself. It was just never really a luxury that I thought I could have. I never knew what I wanted to do with my life and I didn't want to just spend my hard earned money to obtain a degree in something I wasn't completely stoked on. It just didn't make sense to me. Now after quite a few years, this will be me:

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Surrounded by a bunch of babies.

After working in the medical field for the past 5 years including a medical records clerk, periodontal assistant and now the administrative assistant at a skilled nursing facility for over 2 years, I've now come to the conclusion of what I want to do. Ive always enjoyed working alone, as an INFJ, I'm drained by people easily and I work better in a secluded area. Ive finally made the decision to obtain my degree in medical transcription and billing. This way I will be able to work from home when I do decide to get married again and have kids. I want to be able to raise my children but I also feel the need to contribute financially to my family. I am an independent woman gosh darn it!

Recently my Mom has come back into my life, for which I am grateful.

Not to get into gritty details but I didn't have contact with her for a long time. It was always a relationship that I wanted to have but I thought that ship had sailed. She left her psycho ex-husband and is now with my current step dad, Mike, whom I actually respect and love. What a concept.

He previously worked at The University of Utah in the financial aid department and has been more than generous with my sisters and I to get our school situation figured out. I wouldn't have been able to do it without his support. I will be forever thankful for his encouragement to follow my dreams and offering to help wherever he can. I'm also thankful for him coming into my mother's life, loving her and helping her return back to the mom that I knew when I was little. I will always be grateful.

The thing that I'm most nervous about is going to school full time and working full time.

On top of that, I will be going through my egg donation cycle & returning to another semester of OCMCO. A choral organization I was accepted to sing First Alto in last semester. Oh, and then cultivating my current relationships. Needless to say this semester is going to a busy one. I hope I survive. (Only half joking)

Cheers-