I'm Free.

I'll be the first one to admit it, I'm afraid of commitment.

(with the wrong person)

Since February 2, 2013 "I'm Free." has been one of my most important phrases.

These two simple words changed my outlook on life 

& more importantly myself.

I got that short sentence tattooed on my left ribs on the day my divorce was finalized.

That was the last thing my ex-husband ever said to me.

"Well you got what you wanted, you're free."

& just like that, I was.

I didn't have to answer to anyone. I don't think I should have to justify my reasoning to anyone. I was already in a controlling relationship & I refuse to be in another. 

I am no ones property. 

I make my own decisions.

& now ever since its been hard for me to remain in relationships.

Past relationships weren't meant to last forever, they were meant to shape me into the person I'm supposed to be until The One comes along. I don't throw the "boyfriend" title out there very often.  I've had 3 actual boyfriend since the divorce & they've bettered me during the short time periods that we were together. I appreciate them and those individuals are still in my life. Those boyfriends helped me through some of the toughest times in my life 

& I will be forever grateful.

It's the individuals who have the same dating habits as you who tend to 

tear you apart & destroy your planet.

 Theses are the ones who do the most damage.

 Who eventually want to be with you when the timing is right. 

It's even worse when you connect with them on a deeper level, & see things the every day human doesn't get to. The vulnerabilities that they're too ashamed to show because they will damage this persona that they so successfully pull off, but you know they're there. 

You know whats lying underneath. Why they react to certain things the way they do.

You've seen them cry, & genuinely wanted to understand.

You believe in them when no one else did, 

& know they won't make the same mistakes as their parents.

You know their demons and why they exist & you love them all the same.

You love them not for where they came from or their past, but the person they've become.

The one that they've created with credit going to no one else but themselves.

You love the man they've become, despite everything they've had working against them.

We always love the ones that we can't have.

& that right there is the reason why the chance gets ruined for others.

Sometimes I feel like Summer from (500) Days of Summer.

Everyone hates Summer, she "leads Tom on" & is a Bitch.

Is she really though?

She was upfront. 

We ruin relationships with ridiculous expectations.

Does there need to be a title when you're just dating? Absolutely not, I hate that.

Do I like you & enjoy my time with you? Of course. Do I want to do just that for a while? Yes. Do I want to be your girlfriend? Not particularly. 

Why? because you're not The One, & I can feel that.

Ending things is the worst part.

People change & their minds change. It can be gradual or all of a sudden, without explanation.

I can't promise you that I'm going to wake up in the morning and feel the same way.

Every other relationship does not work because they aren't your Soul mate.

SUMMER HAD IT RIGHT.

(Sooner or later you find them)

I believe in the one.

I know that may sound ridiculous but I truly believe that. I'm a romantic.

I know that there is the one person I want to be with, and once we are on the same timeline, everything will work. 

I just have to be patient & trust in the Universe.

Lets ponder this for a moment.

This is the kind of love I need.

The knowledge to know that someone doesn't expect me to change.

To know they love me as I am.

Its necessary to find someone like you, because at least you're somewhat prepared and understand if they do wake up one morning and decided that you're not the one that they wanted. I just hope that when my timing is right, I won't feel trapped anymore.

Just Happy.

I'm a complex human being. I've never claimed to be simple. My perceptions on relationships have always been obscure because I never had the example of a stable and healthy relationship.

 I don't blame my parents for getting a divorce.

It's just been quite the trial and error period through the last 10 years of dating.

I am capable of love

 & I know that one day I'll be able to fully share that with the person I'm meant to be with.

Thats when they'll truly understand what love is.

Christina Yang, how I love thee.

The Fountain of Wisdom that is known as Christina Yang.

Anyone who really knows me knows that I LOVE Grey's Anatomy.

Christina Yang is my spirit animal if thats even a real thing.

She's blunt, she's brilliant, she's beautiful.

She is Gold.

As silly as it may sound to idolize a fictional character, I do. I don't care, she spits out wisdom in her every day conversations that are beneficial to my life. She understands me.

JUDGE ME.

Exhibit A:

We CHOOSE to accept crap from others. After a while we start to think that being treated horribly is normal. Somehow overtime our reality is warped and we convince ourselves that we deserve what we get. That we are inferior and don't deserve good things to happen to us. We learn to accept it.

STOP THIS MADNESS!

Seriously.

You deserve more than to be walked all over and its within your power to stop that kind of behavior. Make that change. I don't care who has manipulated you in the past, and convinced toy that you deserve less. Thats BS and you don't need that kind of negativity in your life.

If it does not nourish the soul, get rid of it.

Exhibit B:

She knows she's a brilliant badass and she knows it.

She's an independent woman who prides herself for her brain, not her beauty.

We are so brainwashed by the media to believe that beauty is only skin deep, but Yang gets it.

It reminds me, "the beauty of my body is only half that of my brain." -John O'Callaghan

Exhibit C:

A woman of my own heart.

Being sassy when hungry is a real thing.

Exhibit D:

We both have a resting bitch face. 

Don't tell me to smile, seriously.

My sisters and I all have this "problem",  I kind of prefer it this way. 

It keeps people from talking to me.

I'm not anti-social or upset. Chances are I'm thinking about something else or I just don't like you :)

Exhibit E:

 She's a witty comedic genius.

Exhibit F:

She doesn't give an F, and I admire that.

One of the best realizations I've had is to stop caring what people think. 

Of course its natural to want to please others, I'm guilty, but your number one priority is to make yourself happy. Stop apologizing for the decisions you make, stop feeling like you have to justify your life choices to others. Stop letting people walk all over you. Stick it to the man.

Its ok to say no.

Exhibit G:

When you're having a horrible day, take her advice and DANCE.IT.OUT.

                                             
                                                 

    

 Because sometimes a 30 second dance party is needed.

When it comes down to it Christina Yang, is just a solid human being. She's Real. She's Rad.

She's Gets It.

If you haven't found your person, find them.

They're out there.

I found mine. I love mine, and I always will.

Cheers.

Back To School.

In the immortal words of Billy Madison,

KELLYN THE BRANDT IS GOING BACK TO SCHOOL

& with that includes the insane level of anxiety that comes with it.

I went to Golden West from 2010-2011 before I got married. I had always planned to go back to school after I got divorced but I had to work full time in order to support myself. It was just never really a luxury that I thought I could have. I never knew what I wanted to do with my life and I didn't want to just spend my hard earned money to obtain a degree in something I wasn't completely stoked on. It just didn't make sense to me. Now after quite a few years, this will be me:

VVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVV

Surrounded by a bunch of babies.

After working in the medical field for the past 5 years including a medical records clerk, periodontal assistant and now the administrative assistant at a skilled nursing facility for over 2 years, I've now come to the conclusion of what I want to do. Ive always enjoyed working alone, as an INFJ, I'm drained by people easily and I work better in a secluded area. Ive finally made the decision to obtain my degree in medical transcription and billing. This way I will be able to work from home when I do decide to get married again and have kids. I want to be able to raise my children but I also feel the need to contribute financially to my family. I am an independent woman gosh darn it!

Recently my Mom has come back into my life, for which I am grateful.

Not to get into gritty details but I didn't have contact with her for a long time. It was always a relationship that I wanted to have but I thought that ship had sailed. She left her psycho ex-husband and is now with my current step dad, Mike, whom I actually respect and love. What a concept.

He previously worked at The University of Utah in the financial aid department and has been more than generous with my sisters and I to get our school situation figured out. I wouldn't have been able to do it without his support. I will be forever thankful for his encouragement to follow my dreams and offering to help wherever he can. I'm also thankful for him coming into my mother's life, loving her and helping her return back to the mom that I knew when I was little. I will always be grateful.

The thing that I'm most nervous about is going to school full time and working full time.

On top of that, I will be going through my egg donation cycle & returning to another semester of OCMCO. A choral organization I was accepted to sing First Alto in last semester. Oh, and then cultivating my current relationships. Needless to say this semester is going to a busy one. I hope I survive. (Only half joking)

Cheers-