You Deserve Better.

Naturally we accept what we think we deserve.

I think that we are all guilty of having this warped perception of ourselves.

Scientists have done a study that says, if we were to meet ourselves on the street, we wouldn't recognize that person. What others see is completely different than what we see.

For instance, I think that my profile is not proportionate, one of my eyes is higher than the other and I have a huge rib cage.

Are others going to really notice these things? 

No.

They're all more focused on the flaws they have.

We as people are way too hard on ourselves.

There comes a time that you need to turn over a new leaf and stop accepting the bullshit that you are constantly accepting in your life.

STOP IT.

I refuse to accept less than I deserve from now on.

 I will not keep people or things in my life that create negative energy.

I date. A lot.

I've found myself running around dating the same type of guy.

Ultimately resulting in getting screwed over, time and time again.

So to prevent that I've raised my standards and I'm done accepting what I don't deserve.

I'm not saying I want to get married tomorrow but my goal is to get married and have a family.

This is in preperation to weed out the boys and find a man.

These are the questions I ask myself.

Does the person you're dating make time for you?

I understand people get busy, I am one of them. I work full time and I go to school full time, but when I want to be with someone they know it. I show it.

I'd much rather get less sleep and be tired the next day than to go a day without seeing someone.

If you're not going to invest your time in me, I will not look like an idiot and waste my time on you.

If you really wanted to be with me, you would make the time.

End of story.

Period.

Are they considerate?

It's simple, do you have respect for me, my body and my choices?

Are you respectful of my time and efforts that I put into our relationship?

If we're out together, do you leave me alone?

Do you introduce me to your friends/acquaintances?

Do you take me out at all, in the first place?

Do you consider me a priority in your life?

No? There's the door.

Do they make an effort to meet or be integrated your family?

My family is the most important thing to me in the world.

If you have not made an attempt to spend time with them, or at the very least come to the door to pick me up and meet them, this isn't going to work.

Are they driven?

Im not asking if you're successful right this second, Im asking if you have goals and ambitions.

I can't have someone who lays on the couch and smokes pot all day.

I will be able to provide for my children but I would kind of appreciate help.

No job? No Kellyn Brandt in your life.

I don't mind paying for things, I feel it's only fair when you have a significant other, but will I pay for everything, drive my car everywhere and on top of that buy you random surprises? 

Hell no, help a sister out.

Are they only texting you late at night?

I WILL NOT BE YOUR BOOTY CALL.

No, I don't want to just "hang out."

You don't respect me as a woman.

If you only text me at 9pm and nothing during the day, no good morning text, forget about it.

I will not be subjected to this, and I will save my efforts for someone else.

"Sorry, Im just so busy" is what you say.

But what I hear is,

 "I'm too busy to text you good morning, but I can post things on social media multiple times a day."

It literally takes one minute, if that of your time.

If I'm not worth one minute to you then I'm over it.

Au Revoir Asshat.

Can they hold a conversation?

Do we have things in common or the same sense of humor?

Do I feel like I have to hold back the things I say in fear of what you'll think?

Do you actively listen and remember the things I say?

Bottom line, do you even give a shit?

No? Peace out dude.

Are they going to be a good husband and dad?

If you don't want kids, this won't work.

If you don't like kids or aren't willing to watch my nieces and nephews with me thats a red flag.

Kids are good judges of characters, as are dogs.

If my dog doesn't like you or you don't like him, I'm going to choose him.

EVERY TIME.   

Do they have a good relationship with your family?

I'm not saying things have to be perfect but, are you respectful to your mom and sisters?

Are you willing to share information about your family of how you grew up?

Do you want to incorporate me into your family?

No? I will get out before its too late.

Ask yourself, have I ever taken her for granted or taken advantage of her kindness?

Do I only call when I need something or when I finally realize I miss her?

If you've answered yes, chances are I'm already gone.

And this time, I won't be coming back, because I DESERVE BETTER.

Maybe this is brutal but I already had a dick of a husband, why would I want another one?

At the end of the day my friends,

 please stop wasting your energy on people who don't care about you.

They can say they do, but please look at their actions. Don't just believe their words.

 Invest in people who Invest in you!

Cheers.

Will This Matter In A Year?

I think about my future a lot.

To be honest, the future freaks me out.

I feel like I'm not in control, & quite frankly, I don't like that.

I'm not a control freak.

Just to get that out in the open.

I do however like to be in control of my situation.

I get frustrated easily. 

Not so much with others, but with myself.

I expect so much.

I'm overly critical and tend to put myself down more often than not.

I look at the choices I've made and I think to my self,

"Good Lord, you're an idiot", or "Why in the world would you say that?"

"Just shut your mouth Kellyn."

"What are you doing with your life?"

"Look at ______ they've accomplished all of this, what have you done?"

"Why are you letting someone else in who is undoubtedly going to screw you over?"

"Why do you constantly love people who are unavailable to reciprocate."

"Stop. Just Stop."

Sometimes I just need to take a step back, stop comparing myself to others

 & look at the bigger picture;

Which brings me to my topic:

I look at my life where it was in June of last year.

I had just decided to not join the Army.

I had no idea in which direction my life was going.

I had just lost my grandpa.

 My dad who is my best friend moved across the country 

& my boyfriend had broken up with me. 

All within a span of about a week.

Literally, I was a wreck.

Vulnerable, confused, heart broken and mourning.

I would not be the same person a year later if I had joined the Army.

Or lost my Gramps,

Or had my dad move,

Or had the same boyfriend.

I would not be the same person, so I am grateful for those events.

I have a tender heart.

I wear my heart on my sleeve & thats my downfall really.

It's rare that I let people see me cry.

If you ever have, I apologize.

Im probably more comfortable with you than you realize.

I tend to make Mistakes.

More often than not.

Some take me off of the path that I'm supposed to be on.

Detours are supposed to happen.

We are programmed to wander.

I've been shaped to explore.

Someday I'll have what I'm looking for.

Everything will be in it's right place at the right time.

I just need to continue to remind myself if the decisions I'm making will matter in a year.

Stop stressing the eff out.

Don't worry about your romantic endeavors.

Quit trying to control all aspects of your life, because you will fail.

Accept the things the universe gives us.

Look at the things you do have.

Trials are a tiny portion of your life.

If you feel that at any point that something is taking up too much of your time,

please ask yourself,

Will this matter in a year?

IF NOT, GET RID OF THE THINGS THAT NO LONGER BENEFIT YOU.

If they will matter in a year, hold on for dear life.

Don't willingly let go of the things that actually matter.

Cheers.

Be Kind To Yourself. Suicide Awareness.

September is Suicidal Awareness month.

I don't write this to scare or make anyone uncomfortable.

I share this because I want everyone to know that there is still life and happiness to be had.

I have found peace in my life and if I can do it, so can you.

I'm honest and open with myself, but I don't often share out of fear of judgment.

Please don't judge me based on what you read in the remainder of this blog.

I spend a lot of energy on controlling my emotions in attempts to appear "normal" and functional to the world. Haven't noticed any of my tendencies?

 That's because I've gotten really good at covering them up.

 This is not me being fake, its just avoiding questions I don't want to answer.

My life has been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster to say the least.

This is not a complete detail of my history but it's enough to get the point across.

The first time I had thought about killing myself was when I was 11.

At this point in my life, my mother had been brainwashed, my psycho child molester of a step-dad had stolen an RV and kidnapped my 2 little sisters and I. My dad had no idea where we were and searched every day for months up and down the coast from Malibu to San Diego. After months of searching he finally found us. During this process, I was looked in the eyes and told by my step-dad that if I was to scream or call my dad that he would kill me. I was the oldest still living with my mom and my other siblings had moved back with my dad. I didn't blame them for leaving. I know that they felt bad and probably still do to this day for having to leave us, but I wanted them to be safe. I was scared to death and I wanted some sort of relief, I figured he was going to kill me anyways. I had thought about it, but then I remembered that I had two other people to protect.

I couldn't leave them now.

Try being 11 and having that kind of responsibility on your shoulders.

As a result I don't sleep well alone because I'm afraid of what I'l wake up to in the dark.

 I have a hard time trusting people who say they love me.

I freak out when trapped in confined spaces when I'm not in control, and it also ruined the opportunity for a vacation in an RV.

 I have triggers to certain things, smells, places that I can't control.

My mood can change at the drop of a hat.

These feelings followed me around through middle & high school where I got some help.

In my freshman english class we were asked to write a paper on the most defining event in our life so far, I guess that essay raised a few red flags. My teacher had asked me to stay after class and that's when the shit hit the fan.

I hadn't really talked about it to anyone. 

As a Family we didn't talk about what happened, we were just happy everyone was safe.

I had everything bottled up.

Even my sister and I, who was there had never really talked about it up until recently.

We don't remember much, but the things we do remember have mostly remained unspoken.

A good portion of childhood is black, I don't remember much. 

I'm grateful for my mind protecting me from the trauma.

I had an obviously unsuccessful attempt my freshman year

& another my senior year.

I was harming myself at least 4 to 5 times a week if not every day.

Literally hoping to feel anything.

I was having a hard time confronting my past, questioning my sexual orientation and the guilt i felt for that, and the fear of the future in general. 

I didn't want to wake up the next day.

I took too many pills, passed out, and then woke up angry because I did't die.

I know now that I didn't die because I have a purpose here.

I felt like I couldn't communicate with my family about it.

My family is close for the most part but,  I distinctly remember watching tv and someone going on and on about how selfish suicide was. After that I knew I couldn't talk to them and at that point in my life it felt like my only option.

My mental health got really bad when I was married. 

I was secluded in Utah with a controlling husband.

I wasn't allowed to see my family in Utah and I felt alone.

The abuse started as soon as soon as we got there.

After a year and a half of emotional, mental, sexual & physical abuse, 

I remember crying &  calling my sister on my lunch break at work. I told her that I love her and I wanted to kill myself.

I had no other way to escape and I was afraid of what he would do to me.

It was snowing, I could make one wrong turn and no one would know it was on purpose.

Even after I got home, this continued to be my inner dialogue. I could drive my car off this ramp and everyone would think it was an accident. I'm still guilty from time to time.

A little over a year ago I went through the process of joining the US Army.

I was less than 24 hours away from signing but then I couldn't do it.

They ask you about your mental health. I was honest. They said do you want to be in the army? I said yes, then they said we'll you need to lie about this whole section.

I came to the realization that having someone with suicidal tendencies carry a gun probably wasn't the wisest idea. Not for my own life but other soldiers who depending on me.

Most days I like to think that I have a good handle on my mental health.

I try to have an optimistic outlook a majority of the time but I do have the tendency to go back into my dark and twisty place.

There are some days that I wake up and have no desire to get out of bed.

Absolutely zero.

AND THAT'S OK.

People who aren't currently living with these challenges don't understand that it's not something you can just control and stop.

They think that because you can't physically see it, it doesn't exist.

My life is constantly controlled by anxiety, depression and suicidal tendencies.

I'm flawed, and I have bad days.

AND THAT'S OK.

 I saw a production of Next to Normal that a dear friend of mine was in a few months ago.

I had heard the music but I didn't really know what to expect.

It was a musical portraying what its like to be living with Mental Illness.

It was a complete eye opener.

It was finally like someone understood and felt some of the same things I do on the daily. 

I'm not naive, I know that others also struggle like I do but it was beautiful to see it from someone else's mind and not my own.

To some extent, everyone struggles with something.

AND THAT'S OK.

It's ok to be sad.

It's ok to not be comfortable with the way you look.

It's ok to be afraid of things that are considered "irrational."

It's ok to have a bad day.

It's ok to recharge by yourself when you've been around people for too long.

It's ok to cry, or feel lonely.

It's ok to take time for yourself.

It's ok to say "no" to people and not feel like you have to justify your reasoning.

WHAT IS NOT OK IS BEING UNKIND TO YOURSELF.

You are not defined by your mental illness or physical disability.

You are not what others define you as.

You are strong enough, you are smart enough and you beautiful enough.

I know some days are harder than others but be patient with yourself.

You are doing the best you can.

Please don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

                             

                                        

     When you need a pick me up

      Positive Encouragements Here

                                                                 

 My life is beautiful.

You want to know how?

Because I made it that way.

I created this beauty.

Only you have the power to create happiness in your life.

I now appreciate the life that I have been given 

& I want to be able to help others see the potential that they may not see in themselves.

Everyone deserves a second chance at life & a chance at happiness.

Uplift others, be kind, & show love to your fellow man.

Cheers.