September is Suicidal Awareness month.
I don't write this to scare or make anyone uncomfortable.
I share this because I want everyone to know that there is still life and happiness to be had.
I have found peace in my life and if I can do it, so can you.
I'm honest and open with myself, but I don't often share out of fear of judgment.
Please don't judge me based on what you read in the remainder of this blog.
I spend a lot of energy on controlling my emotions in attempts to appear "normal" and functional to the world. Haven't noticed any of my tendencies?
That's because I've gotten really good at covering them up.
This is not me being fake, its just avoiding questions I don't want to answer.
My life has been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster to say the least.
This is not a complete detail of my history but it's enough to get the point across.
The first time I had thought about killing myself was when I was 11.
At this point in my life, my mother had been brainwashed, my psycho child molester of a step-dad had stolen an RV and kidnapped my 2 little sisters and I. My dad had no idea where we were and searched every day for months up and down the coast from Malibu to San Diego. After months of searching he finally found us. During this process, I was looked in the eyes and told by my step-dad that if I was to scream or call my dad that he would kill me. I was the oldest still living with my mom and my other siblings had moved back with my dad. I didn't blame them for leaving. I know that they felt bad and probably still do to this day for having to leave us, but I wanted them to be safe. I was scared to death and I wanted some sort of relief, I figured he was going to kill me anyways. I had thought about it, but then I remembered that I had two other people to protect.
I couldn't leave them now.
Try being 11 and having that kind of responsibility on your shoulders.
As a result I don't sleep well alone because I'm afraid of what I'l wake up to in the dark.
I have a hard time trusting people who say they love me.
I freak out when trapped in confined spaces when I'm not in control, and it also ruined the opportunity for a vacation in an RV.
I have triggers to certain things, smells, places that I can't control.
My mood can change at the drop of a hat.
These feelings followed me around through middle & high school where I got some help.
In my freshman english class we were asked to write a paper on the most defining event in our life so far, I guess that essay raised a few red flags. My teacher had asked me to stay after class and that's when the shit hit the fan.
I hadn't really talked about it to anyone.
As a Family we didn't talk about what happened, we were just happy everyone was safe.
I had everything bottled up.
Even my sister and I, who was there had never really talked about it up until recently.
We don't remember much, but the things we do remember have mostly remained unspoken.
A good portion of childhood is black, I don't remember much.
I'm grateful for my mind protecting me from the trauma.
I had an obviously unsuccessful attempt my freshman year
& another my senior year.
I was harming myself at least 4 to 5 times a week if not every day.
Literally hoping to feel anything.
I was having a hard time confronting my past, questioning my sexual orientation and the guilt i felt for that, and the fear of the future in general.
I didn't want to wake up the next day.
I took too many pills, passed out, and then woke up angry because I did't die.
I know now that I didn't die because I have a purpose here.
I felt like I couldn't communicate with my family about it.
My family is close for the most part but, I distinctly remember watching tv and someone going on and on about how selfish suicide was. After that I knew I couldn't talk to them and at that point in my life it felt like my only option.
My mental health got really bad when I was married.
I was secluded in Utah with a controlling husband.
I wasn't allowed to see my family in Utah and I felt alone.
The abuse started as soon as soon as we got there.
After a year and a half of emotional, mental, sexual & physical abuse,
I remember crying & calling my sister on my lunch break at work. I told her that I love her and I wanted to kill myself.
I had no other way to escape and I was afraid of what he would do to me.
It was snowing, I could make one wrong turn and no one would know it was on purpose.
Even after I got home, this continued to be my inner dialogue. I could drive my car off this ramp and everyone would think it was an accident. I'm still guilty from time to time.
A little over a year ago I went through the process of joining the US Army.
I was less than 24 hours away from signing but then I couldn't do it.
They ask you about your mental health. I was honest. They said do you want to be in the army? I said yes, then they said we'll you need to lie about this whole section.
I came to the realization that having someone with suicidal tendencies carry a gun probably wasn't the wisest idea. Not for my own life but other soldiers who depending on me.
Most days I like to think that I have a good handle on my mental health.
I try to have an optimistic outlook a majority of the time but I do have the tendency to go back into my dark and twisty place.
There are some days that I wake up and have no desire to get out of bed.
Absolutely zero.
AND THAT'S OK.
People who aren't currently living with these challenges don't understand that it's not something you can just control and stop.
They think that because you can't physically see it, it doesn't exist.
My life is constantly controlled by anxiety, depression and suicidal tendencies.
I'm flawed, and I have bad days.
AND THAT'S OK.
I saw a production of Next to Normal that a dear friend of mine was in a few months ago.
I had heard the music but I didn't really know what to expect.
It was a musical portraying what its like to be living with Mental Illness.
It was a complete eye opener.
It was finally like someone understood and felt some of the same things I do on the daily.
I'm not naive, I know that others also struggle like I do but it was beautiful to see it from someone else's mind and not my own.
To some extent, everyone struggles with something.
AND THAT'S OK.
It's ok to be sad.
It's ok to not be comfortable with the way you look.
It's ok to be afraid of things that are considered "irrational."
It's ok to have a bad day.
It's ok to recharge by yourself when you've been around people for too long.
It's ok to cry, or feel lonely.
It's ok to take time for yourself.
It's ok to say "no" to people and not feel like you have to justify your reasoning.
WHAT IS NOT OK IS BEING UNKIND TO YOURSELF.
You are not defined by your mental illness or physical disability.
You are not what others define you as.
You are strong enough, you are smart enough and you beautiful enough.
I know some days are harder than others but be patient with yourself.
You are doing the best you can.
Please don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
When you need a pick me up
My life is beautiful.
You want to know how?
Because I made it that way.
I created this beauty.
Only you have the power to create happiness in your life.
I now appreciate the life that I have been given
& I want to be able to help others see the potential that they may not see in themselves.
Everyone deserves a second chance at life & a chance at happiness.
Uplift others, be kind, & show love to your fellow man.
Cheers.
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